When travelling, one of the biggest indications that you’re “not in Kansas anymore” is the differences in style and fashion amongst the boys and girls in the new place you're in.
Sometimes you’re in awe. Other times you’re confused.
And then sometimes you’re disgusted and are left with no other choice but to recoil in shame and horror.
This is how I feel whenever I go to the suburbs. Granted, I live in the suburbs, but when you go to the suburbs of a different country (or even your homeland) it’s startling to see what some people think is appropriate to leave the house in.
In effort to help the world be less ugly and dress better, I’m here to let the suburbs know what they shouldn’t be wearing. Yes, it would be more helpful if I were to tell you what to wear, but I’m not a stylist. I’m simply good at pointing out ugly shit.
So, here you are, my people of the suburbs. Here are three big fashion no-nos that you should never, ever commit.
Chunky Highlights avec Louis Vuitton
I understand that an unfortunate amount of hair dressers think chunky highlights are OK. I understand that in 2003 it was perfectly acceptable to have blonde streaks in your hair that were approximately two inches wide. But no more!
I do not want to see dark brown hair with giant chunks of platinum blonde. It’s not OK!!!
And do you know when it’s even more not OK? When you have that Jessica Simpson Louis Vuitton bag with your chunky ass highlights. Look, I respect what LV does, but PLEASE. Spending your life savings or sporting a LV knock-off does not make you look good. Unless the rest of your look matches your handbag, dragging that infamous brown Louis bag around while your hair looks like the love child of Cruella Deville and Kate Gosselin.
Designer Handbag with a side of Track Suit
It’s no secret I hate it when people dress like a celebrity on their day off, but what really pisses me off is when people can’t be bothered to put on anything except some crushed velvet track suit and some fugly sneakers, and then throw a designer or oversized handbag on their elbow with some giant sunglasses and think that they look good. YOU DON’T. You look like a poor man’s Jessica Simpson or as if you take Us Weekly way too seriously.
That “Busy”College Student Look
Sweatpants are not meant to be worn outside unless it’s for two seconds when you’re grabbing your morning paper or taking your dog out for their morning poo. Sweatpants are for working out. Sweatpants are for sleeping in or for wearing around your house while you vacuum – not for wearing to a MALL.
Look, if you’re in college, I appreciate how busy and tired you must be. But you cannot be so tired that the putting on jeans and shoes that are not Uggs is impossible. Wearing your college sweatshirt with your pyjama pants doesn’t excuse the fact that you’re wearing your pyjamas IN PUBLIC.
Brush your hair. Put on trousers that aren’t 100% cotton and shoes that you can’t just slip on. I don’t care how much homework you have.